Just a little warning
by ChuckNorrisLeftFist
Summary: EVERYBODY gives Blaine the "if you hurt him" talk. Everybody. Rated K   for threats of hobbit mutilation.


Based on the following prompt:

Okay, so, you know how there's that scene in every romantic movie ever where the heroine's dad/ex-boyfriend/big brother/whatever gives the new love interest the "if you ever hurt her I'll break your kneecaps" speech? Now that Kurt and Blaine are together for real, I want to see Blaine getting that speech... multiple times. In the same afternoon. From everyone Kurt knows.

* * *

><p>Blaine couldn't help the ridiculous grin on his face. Kurt had sent him the most adorable text ever in the whole history of texts. It didn't even matter that David and Wes had started to "Play Pavlov," as they put it, and simply said Kurt's name out loud at random during conversations just to see it make Blaine grin.<p>

He didn't even care. He was coming to pick Kurt up for a romantic dinner after Kurt had spent the afternoon rebonding with New Directions during their impromptu alumni get-together. Okay, fair enough, he was early, but still.

Then a hand grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around. Serious dark eyes stared at him while Blaine nervously noted just how good this Mohawked person was at looming over him. "You do anything to mess with my boy Kurt and you will end up buried someplace where nobody will ever find you."

"Wha'?" This guy didn't look like the pictures of Finn that Kurt had shown him, but he sure had that protective big brother vibe down pat. With a side of psychosis. A BIG side of psychosis.

"You heard me. You hurt him, I dig your guts out with a rusty spoon. You see these guns?" He flexed his arms. "They aren't just for show." He pointed two fingers at his eyes then pointed them at Blaine, in the universal, "I'll be watching" gesture. He backed away, never breaking eye contact with Blaine.

* * *

><p>"Kurt said that you guys kissed. And that you're going on a date tonight."<p>

This wasn't fair at all. He'd just gotten his breathing under control after the encounter with the guy he'd just ID'd as Puck from Kurt's Facebook page, when Finn came along. Instead of responding to Blaine's "Hi" with a similar greeting, he came out with that, and with a serious expression. Well, at least he had the actual brother credentials for the big brother talk.

"Look, he's had a lot of people mess with him and give him a hard time. So you had better be serious about him and treat him right. Because you really hurt his feelings getting all kissy-face with Rachel and if you were kissing him just to make a point with somebody else-"

"Finn, I care about Kurt. Seriously. I want to be a good boyfriend to him and give him the kind of relationship he deserves."

Finn looked like he was thinking this over. "Good. Because if you hurt him, I'll hurt you."

* * *

><p>"You! Where are you taking my boy Kurt tonight?" He recognized Mercedes' voice, at least, so it wasn't another stranger coming up and demanding to know his intentions.<p>

"The Swiss Pot. It's a fondue place and Kurt said that it was okay and that he's lactose tolerant." Blaine really wished he didn't sound so spooked, but then, Sue Sylvester had just passed him in the hall and reminded him of their earliest conversation. That was the day that Kurt transferred. She appeared in his dorm room at the foot of his bed at midnight and told him what she'd do to him if he failed to keep a protective eye on her Porcelain. He had spent the rest of that night under his bed.

Mercedes cocked her head in thought for a moment. "Okay. But you're letting Kurt set the pace for whatever happens after dinner."

Blaine almost thought of joking, "You mean dessert?" but, well, he still wanted to live. "Absolut-"

"That means no getting handsy first. You can look at him like you want to kiss him, and you can ask to kiss him, but you can't get handsy with him until he starts it with you.

"My baby boy is a romantic who wants to take it slow and if you don't take it slow, well, believe me, I know how to cut a bitch."

Blaine didn't doubt it for a minute.

* * *

><p>"Hey! You!"<p>

A woman, about six feet tall, came over for the express purpose of looming over him. Blaine hadn't realized just how good people at McKinley were at looming. Did they all go to classes in how to loom over people?

"Now that you're dating Kurt Hummel, you'd better remember not to cut the grass by the playbook. He's seen more squirrels out of season than you've eaten warm dinners, so if you don't like capers on your bagel, then better leave the onion off, too.

"So if you hurt that boy's feelings, you'll know what a gopher feels like in the playoffs. Do I make myself clear?"

Blaine really, really didn't want to tell the truth. "Perfectly clear, ma'am," he whimpered.

* * *

><p>Blaine checked the time nervously. At least New Directions was in that alumni get-together now so random members wouldn't pop out and threaten his life, limbs, or whatever it was that Coach Bieste threatened.<p>

A blonde girl who Blaine recognized from other Facebook photos as Becky came down the hallway. Blaine smiled warmly at her. "Are you Becky? I'm Blaine, a friend of Kurt's."

"I know who you are." She studied him for a long moment. "I know where you live. If you do anything to make Kurt cry, I will make you sorry."

She pulled something out of her pocket and held it out to show to him.

A set of brass knuckles. With spikes. "Coach gave this to me specially."

Blaine would have gone fetal under the bench he was sitting on, but it was against a wall. He didn't want to have only one escape route.

* * *

><p>It was nearly the end of the practice. Blaine's phone buzzed that he'd received a new text.<p>

"This is Brad. You're Kurt's first boyfriend. Did you know that the average piano has 23 tons of tension combined in the strings? That'd hurt if there was ever a piano accident. And you climb on things a lot, don't you? Be careful of accidents. Treat Kurt very, very nicely."

Blaine would have texted back that he had every intention of treating Kurt as the perfect boyfriend, but his hands were shaking.

* * *

><p>The doors opened and New Directions poured out, chatting, laughing, joking. Blaine stood up and went over to greet Kurt, making sure that Kurt gave him a peck on the cheek first before he reciprocated.<p>

"Were you waiting long? You could have just come in."

Blaine wanted to say something about how he'd rather go bowling in a minefield, but instead just smiled weakly. Oh, God, Puck was giving him the "watching you" gesture again and Santana whispered something into Puck's ear and studied him as if figuring out exactly where to place the first knife.

"Blaine? Is something wrong?" Kurt asked quietly, looking at him in concern.

Blaine swallowed hard. "Your...your friends are on the protective side," he confided.

Kurt had no right to snicker like that. No right at all.

* * *

><p>Blaine drove Kurt home to change and sat very quietly in the living room as Burt made casual conversation about how to gut fish. With knives. Big razor-sharp knives. At least the drive to the Swiss Pot was safe. Nobody had threatened Blaine for at least twenty minutes and he was getting used to the idea.<p>

"Looks crowded," he commented casually as he pulled into the parking lot. "Good thing I made reservations just in case."

He had to be dreaming. No, he had to be hallucinating.

The manager had indeed reserved one of the tables in the cozy little alcoves for them.

The problem was that every single table near that alcove was occupied.

Coach Bieste and Mr. Schue sat at one table. Becky, Sue Sylvester, and various other cheerleaders sat at one next to it, and Sue had stopped throwing paper wads at Mr. Schue's hair to give Blaine a very steady look. Puck and Lauren were sitting opposite them, sharing the table with Artie, Brittany, Mike Chang, and Tina. He heard sounds behind him and turned. Yes, that was Finn, Carole, and Burt coming in. Was that Brad disguised as a waiter?

The manager handed Blaine and Kurt menus. There was a note pinned to the inside of Blaine's. "If you mistreat him, the food will mistreat you. My cat says so. Sweet lady kisses, Brittany."


End file.
